September62014

It was a mistake.
Yesterday was just a giant mistake.

August262014

I don’t even understand how badly I want something bound to destroy my life

1AM

It’s kind of amazing how you literally feel your life crashing down around you sometimes. I walked into a bad situation with hope and also a bit of hesitation.

I didn’t know what I wanted. I was going with the flow even though I know for sure that I love you I don’t know for sure what I wanted to do with those feelings.

Normally I’d want a relationship and labels and dates and dinner and sex and romance. In the past those are things I couldn’t get by without.

Yet I’m okay with hanging out and going to movies and just talking and smoking and having sex without the pressure..suddenly it feels like there is pressure just from a sudden and abrupt “I don’t want this to be serious”

You ruined this. Do you know how many times I’ve thought that how many times I’ve sat down and thought you are truly the only person who can just destroy me.

I was getting better I was feeling closer to reality and that hasn’t happened in a long time. All the sudden it’s gone and I kind of missed not feeling anything at all

August212014

If only I wasn’t lying when I said being with you felt natural. I have once again reached rock bottom. I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you to call. But you can’t unless you’re going to call every night. You can’t call me unless you’re willing to make the commitment to knowing me. To finding out how I take my coffee in the morning and how I drool a little when I sleep. You cannot write me or call me or chase me unless you really do want me. Because I learned from the past and I don’t want to have to tell you, but if you hurt me again it will be the end of me.

Somehow I have put all of this faith into you, and I have defined myself by you and me and our past and our potential future. Without you I will totally lose me and I’m not that sure who I am to begin with. Desperation is the reason that I hold back, because if I let it through to you that I feel this way, well..in the past you’ve always drifted away. And I need you to help me stay afloat. Please. This time don’t be playing me. This time tell me the truth and even if it hurts tell me whether or not you’ll ever love me.

August92014

I feel like my life is always so much more complicated than I want it to be.

Today was so good in so many different ways and spending time with a person from my past was the best part. Listening to him and the ways he’s changed and made plans and wants things he hasn’t before was amazing. Especially when before neither of us were good for each other or even ourselves. For all of this time I felt like we were meant to be together; But then I finally realized something else that makes sense of everything in my life. I look for someone to take care of, mainly as a projection of what I need I think.

What’s weird is that as I was watching him talk and seeing all that he has changed I realized it is time to let go. Because I love him despite everything we’ve been through and a tiny part of me always will, but my life is surrounded by craziness and even though he knows me better than anyone it’s time to set him free.

Because I’m not sure if he feels the same way if he ever did or ever will, but losing love this way is very hard to feel sad over.

My dream of fixing you is ruined but only because you did it yourself. Congratulations, I love you, and good luck.

August62014
August52014

The sweet taste of coffee when
I wake up leaves a warm
feeling in my stomach,
The clouds and the crickets,
it reminds me of last night.

When we did step by step our bullshit little game.
Yet I feel more alive than I have in a while.
Even after all this time I feel like we’re made to be together.

Please let’s be together

July262014

I really do think there’s something wrong with me. It hits me at different times that I don’t feel like I’m actually in the real life, like I’m an outsider looking in. I’ll make a decision up in my mind and my body doesn’t answer the way I want it to.

July202014

(Source: simplewritings, via sayydeej)

1AM

Lately I’ve been feeling disconnected and I’m not even sure exactly what I mean by that. I’ve found myself talking aloud in the car almost as if I have to guide myself into completing the actions I’ve started. The best way I really can describe is that I’m feeling dissociated. I don’t feel things the way normal people should I don’t have any plans I’m reckless and my behavior has been crazy and irrational lately. I’ve noticed this happens whenever I’m emotionally invested with someone I lose my grip on my reality because their behavior begins to dictate my behavior. I just don’t know what’s happening to me I feel like a stranger in my body sometimes doing things I don’t know why I did and without having a plan for the future I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I need to talk with my therapist and my medication doctor but I just don’t think a nurse practitioner and a women who’s only advice is to “self soothe” can help with what’s going on here. I don’t even feel alive sometimes

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